


word vomit

by Kirsty (queenkirstyy)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Vent Writing, Writing practice, maybe?? poetry??, my first work on here is literally me...venting out my emotions how sad LMAO, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-06-23 05:05:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15598923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenkirstyy/pseuds/Kirsty
Summary: there were many things i wanted to say to youbut yet, i couldn't say them, it was as if my mouth was sewn shut back theni tried for years to rip off the thread that bonded them together and soon enough, i could open my mouth, i could lick my blood-tainted lipsi could finally spill my emotions out for youone day, i hope you understand how much you truly mean to me





	1. thought one

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my first love](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+first+love).



> hello everyone!! (:  
> my name is kirsty, thank you so much for choosing this as a thing to read during the late night / morning / whatever  
> i should note, this is my first thing, and i feel kinda bad im using it as a way to vent my thoughts out  
> but... its still work, right?  
> so i hope you enjoy! ill be sure to write seriously soon

my phone went off

 

_buzz buzz_  
the sound of my phone going off always startled me a bit, though, i was quite used to its vibration  
i remember that day i unlocked my phone and clicked your messenger bubble with a smile on my face, eyes full of adore and love  
it was you  
your long brown hair seemed to shine in the natural light of your room, your smile made my heart melt even if it looked mischievous, your light, beautiful brown eyes..  
everything about you was perfect, even that little choker you always seem to wear

i was madly in love with you 

 

_buzz buzz_  
instead of this selfie showing you, it showed you and your friends, having fun  
i felt bad that day, i wish i could've asked you if i could tag along so i could hear your laughter outside instead of random voice clips   
but, i smiled and sighed softly as i sent you a message   
' have fun!! <333 '   
of course, you read my message that time, but its okay 

i was madly in love with you 

 

_buzz buzz_  
those messages are such a blur to me anymore, but i remember clearly that day you hurt me, i remember the tears choking me as i ran downstairs to the bathroom  
the brokenhearted emotions poured out of my mouth like a waterfall as i screamed why you did it, why you did it, why you FUCKING did it  
though, now i know why you did and i didn't back then, i felt scared to lose you  
so thats why i forgave you for your actions   
and to this day, you're probably wondering why i did that and the answer is very simple  
  


i was madly in love with you   
and to this day, three years later, i still am   
i love you, my beauty

_buzz buzz_   
**i miss you**


	2. thought two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy thoughts today

food allergies

 

" hey, can i ask you something? "   
our laughter seemed to cease after you asked me that question, i remember smiling at you and nodding as we sat on top of the small, brick wall on the church parking lot  
our friend was there too, we all were having fun and hanging out with each other that night  
who would've thought that this night would've been the best night of my entire life

you and i were staring at each other and we pretended that we were in this fancy restaurant and you had our other friend be the server  
it was cute, very cute  
she stood back and watched us, as you seemed to ask me the silliest question i've ever heard   
" do you have any food allergies? "   
i remember feeling confused, since we weren't really eating anything, but i shook my head  
" no, i don't think so. "

now, it was your turn to look confused, " are you sure? because i swore you do.. "  
" no, i don't have any food allergies. "  
you scooted closer to me on that wall, i felt my heart's pace quicken every second you got closer to me, my face was most likely red by that point  
" why are you even asking me that? "   
you grabbed my cheeks and smiled wide and that was when it happened 

you kissed me, my eyes went wide, how did i not see that coming?   
when you pulled away, i felt my heart sank but my heart wouldn't sit still as i looked at you with admiration and love  
you giggled cutely at me, to this day, i can still hear that every time we call   
that adorable giggle that escapes your lips sometimes 

" you're allergic to love! look at you! " 

 

i remember touching my lips, faintly feeling yours there as i looked away and smiled shyly   
that was the dumbest, funniest, and the most amazing first kiss of my life


	3. thought three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe its a poem??  
> im not sure what to call it, this is an old thing i wrote

love is truly strange

 

Love.

It's strange, is it now? I always seem to lie awake as I listen to the clock go tick, by tick, by tick, by tick.

It's funny. I tried to get over it, I tried all sorts of remedies. Moving on, dating, flirting, yet whenever I did such things I always saw you.

It's sad. I look to my left to see you not there, and my heart begins to sink. I place my hand over those blankets, trying to imagine your shape from here, to help me go to bed with ease.

It's annoying. I grow frustrated each time your name leaves my lips, my blood boils whenever I see you smile in a photo with your friends, because I feel embarrassed I lost you. It's strange.

No matter the emotions, I'll always find myself wanting you. So I smile with pride and a heavy heart as I click like on your photo.

Because in the end, I'm madly in love with you.


	4. thought four

the name jealousy

i hate demons.   
demons are the worst things humanity has created, are they real? are they fake? nobody knows.   
but i'll tell you something, i know they're real, and they have names.   
they have personalities. they have interests. they don't take  _shit_ from anyone.   
i know a demon, and it's name is jealousy, and that fucking monster follows me wherever i go.

you're probably asking yourself,   
' why don't you just ignore the demon? surely, it'll go away! '   
i've tried.   
oh, trust me, i've tried to get that bastard off my ass for years but alas! it won't leave me alone!  
it always talks to me.   
i hate its voice. 

" you see it too, don't you? "   
their voice rang in my head as i turned to my left, eyes narrowing to see the picture better   
ah. of course.   
they're happy. a smiling photo, you can see the love in their eyes that they hold for each other.   
" yeah, i see it. i don't care though, they're having a great time. "   
" but look! ", it cried loudly, hurting my ears. " they're having fun without you! "   
my heart sank a bit as i swallowed back my pain, clearing my throat. 

" didn't you hear me? i said i don't care. so what? she's happy, he's happy, i need to drop it. "  
though what i said was the truth, i knew that wasn't what my demon wanted to hear.   
i knew  _exactly_ what that monster wanted to hear, i could hear its shit-eating grin form.  
closing my eyes as i let out a sigh, i opened them again, now inside of their world. 

their dark-green eyes seemed to glow inside this room, they floated around my body, whispering multiple things.   
" yeah, they're happy, which is fine and all, but look what he has! "   
" he's got her, your girl! aren't you upset? "   
" oh, but why be upset, she used to be yours, but she's not anymore. "   
" isn't that just sad? you lost her. doesn't it make you upset knowing she's with someone better than you? " 

fucking hell, i HATE that jealousy knew my insecurities.  
i grimaced as i tried to shake off these feelings, i tried my hardest to ignore it, but they kept coming at me like they were the plague.  
" how sad, how sad! ", their voice seemed to grow more sinister with each letter that left its disgusting throat.  
" you're truly pathetic, aren't you? you miss her, yet, you failed to keep her in your arms. "   
" you hate his guts because you can't stand that she's not yours. "   
" anything he does pisses you off, doesn't it? "   
" poor girl. " 

i clamped my eyes shut, inhaling deeply, and slowly opened them again.  
i was back in my room now, my phone to my right with the messages piled up with concern.  
i glanced over on it, watching as each bubble showed up right after the other, and smiled sadly.   
i hate my demon's name, jealousy.  
it truly showed me just how much of a sad girl i can be, and for that, i hate jealousy.


	5. thought five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1fVG1IctmA this song sparked this thought

another pretty boy.

" kill me now! i want to die! "   
my voice was hoarse after screaming for a while, the tears flowed down my cheeks as i glared at my phone.   
of course i was angry, i was angry that i couldn't accept what i saw, that the love of my life was now gone.   
she left me for a pretty boy -- another pretty boy.  
what could i even do? what should i even say?   
i watched it go off every five seconds it seemed, asking me if i was okay, getting upset because i wasn't replying  
but how could i reply to that? 

i couldn't reply, i just watched my phone go off until i couldn't take it anymore, i reached over and held the power button  
 **Power off  
** **Reboot  
** **Airplane mode  
** **** _Airplane mode is OFF_

sighed as I tapped 'power off', watching my screen shut down with their manufacturer's company logo, and then a black screen  
i stared at it and it seemed to stare back at me  
that really, really, really, really wasn't part of my plan to lose her..  
but it happened, and it did, so what should i do..  
that was three years ago, now she's got another pretty boy between her fingers  
oh, how i wish it was still me

i miss my beautiful angel  
i miss her laughter, the late night calls, her smile and selfies all directed towards me..  
i wish i wasn't such an idiot  
maybe then she'd still be here with me, in my room, watching my type a beautiful poem dedicated to her 

but instead  
im alone, with puffy eyes and a broken heart, typing out my sadness in hopes that it'll reach someone far away  
in hopes that someone will take that sadness and replace it with happiness  
in hopes i can see her be mine again..


	6. thought six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i havent been updating this  
> things have been kinda rough  
> and depressing  
> so  
> uh  
> yeah  
> enjoy this new thing, ill try and update as much as i can  
> stay lovely

if there's one thing i cant understand, it's love

love is weird to me.

it causes crushes, romantic feelings, gushy texts, and yet.. it's something i crave

but i know i'm not perfect

people seem to crush on me anymore, say wonderful things about me

" oh! but you can sing! "

" oh!! but you're so helpful, so kind "

" you're so considerate about my feelings! "

i know it sounds pathetic

i know it sounds stupid

but i cant be in a relationship anymore

im not the person i want to be yet, im not that ideal girl that if i saw, i know i would date

i dont love myself 

i hate everything about myself

and it's  _so_ much easier to throw the hate towards it

months of talking, weeks of video calling, no matter what it is

someone somehow falls in love 

and i wish that just for once, they wouldnt

i wish they would want to be friends

i dont want to be pretty

because im not pretty

i dont want to be seen as someone great because i know im a failure

im not perfect yet

im not ideal

so why cant people understand that instead of just throwing it away

i wish i could disappear for good

just once

once

id like to have a friend..


End file.
